I Feel Bad
TLDR: I feel extremely bad, any advice?
I am 25 years old and I live in southern/central Europe this year I've started my master degree program in Computer Engineering
few months ago my grandma died and I realized that the next ones to pass away in my family will likely be my parents, who are both ~60
I am 25... I am old. To put into perspective: I've already lived about a third of my life - in the best case scenario where I'll get to my older age in good shape.. but I am not mentally healthy though and with that also my physical health isn't the very best suggest me that that i won't likely get to the mean life expectancy. - 25 feels extremely old given that I never had a job. If I start today I think I could retire at 76 (lol??) and everything seems to suggest that - life won't be good in any near future in my country as the purchasing power dropped down a lot - life for computer engineers will be harder than it ever had since the industry started
not to mention that I am also struggling to finish personal projects (software and hardware related). For my friends and relatives life seems to go on while for me.. I feel like drowning.
During these last few months things seems to get worse, day by day. I can't function anymore. That's why this week I came back from my university home to my parents home.
I had my last girlfriend ~5 years ago. I'm not even bad looking - not at all, really. I just get ghosted every time I gain some confidence to ask women out.
I'm losing connections with almost all of my friends: some got into relationships, some are busy with work… others may just be uninterested in me. It's kinda painful though that no one was able to reach me out for a coffee or a beer.. just for 5 minutes... knowing how bad I am feeling lately. Also it seems that I'm not able to make any meaningful new ones: I may just become someone's "favourite new person" for ~2 days but that's it... to never be seen again the time spent together is too little to exchange numbers (although I would) but it's enough to leave me a bitter taste. The only friends I see now are friends who are having substance abuse problems and who don't seem to have real life goals. I too did abuse alcohol and prescription drugs during the last few months.
I thought that quitting drugs would make me feel better i also thought that seeing my parents and spending time with them would make me feel better the reality is that i still feel bad if not worse. and I'm losing all of my hopes for a better future, for a more bearable future.
PS. I am going to therapy - doesn't help.
You are in the throes of deep depression. There's nothing I can say that will make that better, but I just wanted you to know that I hear you and understand.
Try to remember that things aren't really as dark as they seem to you, and also try to remember to keep doing things, including physically active things, even though you don't want to and even though it seems like there's no point to them.
You can, and will, move out of this space unless you give in to resignation. Progress may seem slow or even nonexistent for a while. Try to have faith that as long as you are working on getting better, you will get there in the end.